Since you’ve been gone, I’ve known myself more deeply and been a better person than I’d ever dreamed. I crawled through the darkness of anxiety and self-loathing and on the other side I am happier, healthier, kinder, wiser, funnier, and more hopeful than I ever was with you.
I didn’t know how toxic you were until I cut the tumor out of me. I didn’t know you were a leash, until you weren’t there to hold me back. I didn’t know I was so terrible, until your hatred made me hold up a mirror and burn out all of the ugly things that I found there.
It took a year or two of tumbling down the confusion of the rabbit hole, trying to find my footing, trying to get a handhold. I didn’t make the best choices, I had the worst timing, and I almost ran away from my own life. I didn’t. I took apart the brick house that made up who I am and I put it back together again with granite, craftsmanship, and better security. I learned who I was with you and then I learned who I was without.
And you know what? I’m amazing. I am strong, wise, and hilarious. I am never satisfied with just being okay, I am always striving to do better the next time. I have learned to take blame and how to apologize. I am learning how to handle myself and I am learning how to patch in to others. I am pushing my previous limitations, I am finding new boundaries, I am building a better me out of stardust and dark matter.
There is still a little black monster that hides in a pocket on my still-large frame. It’s the demon that grins to hear about how little you’ve made out of yourself. It’s the shade that feels vindicated that I am evolving while you spiral downwards. It’s the martyr that wishes you’d learn your lesson, see how badly you’ve treated people—how badly you treated me. It’s the little monster I make smaller every day.
I am thankful you tried to throw me into the bitter dust of lonliness, I was alone and it made me deal with myself. I am thankful you hated me, because it made me look at my flaws and change them. I am thankful that you made it possible for me to break away from you after so much time in a caustic relationship. I am thankful that you are the catalyst to the person I am today, the person I am still becoming, and the truly incredible person I will not stop until I am.
I wish you could do the same.
