Vow of… Non-Complaining?

“Those who do not complain are never pitied.” – Jane Austen

That’s right, last night it came to me.  The goal is to not complain for 30 days.  Sure, I know I’ll slip up, because I won’t realize I’m doing it until it’s happening, but the point is to be able to keep it in check.  I complain far too much and, in light of recent unlucky developments, now is a good time to try to stop.  Maybe some of my copious bad luck at all times will turn into good luck instead.  People will sure as hell like me better, anyway.  So wish me good luck?

My Strange Foods

I have a couple of strange food combinations that sometimes really wig people out.  Apparently these aren’t as strange as I once thought, there are thousands of people who do it all the time.  But, let’s explore my weirdness awhile.

My favorite ’strange’ food combination is a banana and mayonnaise sandwich.  You may shudder in revulsion, but the tang of the mayo with the subtle sweet of the banana makes for just about the perfect flavor combination.  It’s as simple to make as a PBJ, just spread some mayo on toasted (I like it toasted) bread, slice and layer a whole banana, close, and eat.  I’ve eaten these for as long as I can remember, because of my mother.  I have since learned that it is very southern, which explains why she and her side of the family ate these sorts of things.  I have even eaten a banana alone with a bit of mayo deposited on each bite.  Sure, it’s not as healthy as just a banana, but it’s really damn tasty.  If you’re feeling gutsy, give it a try.

Another favorite is fries dipped in frosty or I’ll stuff fries in and eat a spoonful of frosty at the same time.  Whatever the method, this is another one of those savory-sweet combinations that I love.  The chocolate is complimented by the salt of the fries, and the creaminess and potato are long-time friends.  Apparently, Wendy’s did a study about this and found that 28% of adults do this or know someone who does.  It’s just about the only thing I eat when I go to Wendy’s.  OH, and it’s only with the chocolate variety, for me.

This is the one combination I couldn’t find a picture for, which really surprises me.  My sister and I started doing this when we watched the film Chocolat and salivated over chocolate sauce being drizzled over slices of roasted turkey like a gravy.  Of course, at the time, we didn’t even consider that, perhaps, the chocolate sauce was a savory matter and not just melted dark chocolate–which is precisely what she and I did.  It was, despite this, truly amazing to eat.  Every year at Thanksgiving, she and I make up some scrumptious dark chocolate sauce like the one pictured above and enjoy it with our meat, giving thanks the whole time with plenty of ‘mm’s.

Those are the major players that I can think of, right about now.  What about you?  Any food skeletons in your closet?

My (Serial Television) Five

I kind of like this whole top-five concept.  They’re sort of like psychological profiles about myself.  Sharing them with others is sharing bits of myself. In this fashion, I may just have a post a day for awhile if I come up with enough subjects.  Maybe even a month! (Dun, dun, DUN!)

Today is television series, both old and new.  This does not include mini-series’, that would be a separate list all on it’s own.  And now!

1. Firefly : Fox – 14 episodes (Discontinued)

My heart swells at the mere thought of this show.  It was so good at so very many things that I can’t think of where to begin.  I have never met a person who didn’t like it.  It has a main cast of nine characters that are so great that I can’t pick one favorite–I have to pick at least five of them as my favorite.  Great designs, great story, and the best music and wit this side of the galaxy.  You’ll forget it’s a spaghetti western set in space, you’ll forgive the cheesy moments (or love them implicitly), because the show was a work of sheer brilliance.  Both poignant and hilarious, this show will remain at the top of my list for a very long time.

2. The Mentalist : CBS – 2 seasons (Alive)

Being a new show, there is much trepidation as to whether or not it’s greatness will last.  Like many things I like to watch, the show is comedic, quirky, and serious enough to keep my attention.  I like my humor clever, not juvenile, making me a hard customer to please at times.  The child-like, arbitrary nature of the main character makes for plenty of shenanigans, but the subject matters are often dismal and morose.  He is the one that doesn’t belong, set amongst a team of CBI agents (California Bureau of Investigation), though they all have their own quirks too.  All they need a little puckishness to show them the way.  if you need a little more mischief in your life, Patrick Jane’s your man.

3. Bones : Fox – 5 seasons (Alive)

Ah, Bones… While it is a great delight in the comedy department, it is also the show that causes me the most frustration.  Both the characters of the Vulcan-like Dr. Temperance Brennan and the intuitive, all around good man, Agent Seeley Booth, have long since appealed to me with their excellent chemistry.  Despite liking most of the cast and getting great joy out of them, I can’t trust the writers to do what’s in their best interest.  Yet I watch, week to week, hoping they’ll prove me wrong.

4. Burn Notice : USA – 3 seasons (Alive)

Burn Notice was a long time coming.  I dug my heels in and when I finally watched it, I was blown away.  I’d had the misfortune of catching a couple of wayward episodes, neither of which recommended itself well because they were important episodes for people I had no pre-knowledge of or investment in.  Suffice it to say I’m very invested now.  Great love abounds for the dry, sarcastic wit of Michael Westin who tells us just what it’s like to be a spy in greatly amusing ways.  Fiona’s skull-cracking agenda is mystifyingly lovable while her dedication to Michael is heart-warming and, sometimes, heart-breaking.  Sam is like the freeloader who cleans up nice–real nice–and is precisely the guy you want at your back when you’re out of options.  Being without new episodes is agony!

5. Heroes : ABC – 4 seasons (Alive)

Ah, my shame and my drug.  I had tried to watch this show when it started and there was a lot of recommendations coming my way about it.  I watched a couple of episodes and just couldn’t get interested.  However, when my blood revved up for the actor Zachary Quinto, it unfortunately led me to watch whatever I could with him in it.  Since he’s a major player in this series, I was doomed.  I still think season one is god-awful, but from episode 1 of the second season, I was hooked.  And somehow, no matter how evil Sylar gets, I still love him.  And Noah Bennet’s not bad either.  He’s the super dad of the century: All hail sexy nerds.

Honorable mentions: The Dresden Files (dead), Medium (alive), Pushing Daisies (dead), Doctor Who (alive), Torchwood (alive), The Invisible Man (dead), Jericho(dead), Early seasons of Law & Order: Criminal Intent (alive – barely), Lois & Clark: The Adventures of Superman (dead), 3rd Rock From the Sun (dead), Being Human (alive)

Shows Recently Loved (that fell off the ‘good’ horse): Lost (alive), House (alive)

My (Fictional) Five

Ohmigod!  Another post so soon?  Why, yes!!

I was checking out my dear Melissa Dominic’s latest entries and found a post dedicated to her top five fictional men.  I found this very intriguing and had to do one of my own.  Prepare to be astounded by my weirdness.

1. Spock : Star Trek by Roddenberry and many others (Television series/Film/Epic Franchise)

When the new film came out earlier this year, it reawakened my long lost love for the angular-featured, pointy-eared, hot bastard that is Mr. Spock.  This Vulcan hails from a time when science could save the world and the wielder of these scientific powers often got the girl.  Spock always stood for intelligence, wisdom, and patience though was still tempered by a slice of emotion that would let the important things of human life in.  This character was vaulted by his latest rendition, appealing to my attraction to intelligence and my lust for physical prowess.  This instant love affair led me to follow the actor, Quinto, to a show I’d never wanted to watch and also to fall in love with one of the most evil men alive in television fiction today. (See ‘Sylar’ in Honorable Mentions.  His evil is trumped only by Benjamin Linus, see also.)

2. Tony Stark : Iron Man by Marvel (Film/Graphic novels/Animated Television)

Another fine combination–intelligence, physical prowess, and finances–Tony Stark is a character who proves that you don’t have to have super powers to be a super hero as long as you have enough cash to fund it.  He was greatly improved in the film with the addition of comedic wit to his list of attractive traits.  The blacksmithing scene didn’t hurt either. ::fans self::  Being one of the most human of Marvel’s super heroes, Tony struggles with character flaws such as alcoholism, womanizing, and the betrayal of loved ones.  There’s something irresistible about a man who battles his demons and does the right thing even if there’s a lot wrong with himself.

3. Captain/Doctor Peter Blood : Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini (Classic novel/Film)

As far as I’m concerned, this is the best piece of pirate fiction on the market today.  Jack Sparrow and the Spanish main aside, Captain Blood is a good man who is dealt a terrible hand and makes the best of it.  Peter Blood begins as a doctor who is accused of treachery for performing his job without prejudice, i.e. he fights to save the life of an enemy soldier.  For this, he is given an unfair trial and shipped to the Caribbean to be slave labor, where he and his fellows are treated so terribly that he plans an escape that leads to a  life of piracy.  He is too intelligent to stand for the injustice inflicted on himself and his peers, and his use of a sword is all too fatal due to his skill as a surgeon.  Worst of all, Peter Blood is a hopeless romantic.  In love with the niece of his warden on the island, he struggles with his attraction to her and condemnation of her relations and headstrong nature.  Above all else, Captain Blood is chivalrous and precise in all matters, handling the ruffians of land and sea with sometimes surprising grace.  I’m really quite into these capable men.

4. Kain : Legacy of Kain series (Video Game)

So I’m sure this is where I’ve completely lost you.  A video game?  A vampire that looks like he’s made out of wood, bone, and leather?  Yeah, well, it takes playing the handful of games to really understand.  You might be surprised to learn that his appearance is a step up from my original favorite in the game, Raziel, a jawless humanoid figure with blue muscle over a skeleton and boneless wings.  So why does Kain qualify?  Well, the simplest way I can put this is that he carries the two important power characteristics I’m clearly drawn to.  Clever intelligence and physical aptitude.  While Kain is originally shown to be a villain, through the course of the complex story provided through the gaming series, you learn that he is a creature not able to let things be as they are.  Using time travel, deception, and tenacity, Kain refuses to lay down and die when he can save himself and the world.  He is an example of a man who is willing to do terrible things for the greater good, but for some reason I have to love him anyway.  Probably because he actually achieves what he aimed for despite the huge cosmic gamble.

5. Special Agent Pendergast : Various books by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (Novels)

Despite the character of Kain above, Pendergast is the most peculiar of my five.  A figure that has the means to do pretty much anything he wants, has a past that estranges him from just about everyone he meets.  A southern gentleman from New Orleans with a drawl and canter described as ‘bourbon and buttermilk’, Pendergast is also obscenely rich and mental.  While in most cases, these ‘mental’ attributes are very helpful in solving cases, such as a photographic memory and a knowledge of pretty much everything, they place a solid wall between himself and even the reader, at times.  From a long line of dysfunctional, psychotic, and talented individuals that include many a gypsy, magician, and murderer, Pendergast is frightened of even himself, though you will never find the words outright on any of the pages.  Oh, and did I mention he’s an FBI agent for fun?  He likes to solve mysterious cases that no one else really touches.  Each case has a an edge of science fiction involved, making anything possible.  I am a fan of only the first five books in which he appears, after that the quality of the characters, including Pendergast, degrades.  I much prefer the quirky, ethereally handsome, unattainable, know-it-all that I’ve come to love.

Honorable mentions: Captain Wentworth/Mr. Knightley/Mr. Darcy : Jane Austen (novels/films), Captain Hook : Peter Pan (book & film), V : V for Vendetta (film), Prince Septimus : Stardust (film), Keith Valentine : Shadow Hearts (vg), Doc Holliday (Okay, so he was a real person, but Val Kilmer’s is fictitious), Nathan Rahl/Chase : Sword of Truth (novels), Rod Gallowglass : Warlock Series (novels), Jayne/Malcolm: Firefly (tv series), Simon Dermott : How to Steal a Million (classic film), Julian : Forbidden Game trilogy (novels), Sylar/Noah Bennet: Heroes (tv series), Benjamin Linus/James ‘Sawyer’ : Lost (tv series), Kimball Cho : The Mentalist (tv series), Agent Seeley Booth : Bones (tv series), Joe Dubois : Medium (tv series), Severus Snape : Harry Potter (novels), Ned : Pushing Daisies (tv series) , Wolf : The 10th Kingdom (mini-series), Owen : Gargoyles (animated series), Hokuto Umeda : Hana-Kimi (manga), Shimada Kambei : Samurai 7 (anime), Hatori : Fruit’s Basket (anime), Amon : Witch Hunter Robin (anime), Hiko-Sama/Saito : Ruroni Kenshin (anime), Vampire Hunter D : Bloodlust (anime), Claude K Winchester : Gravitation (anime.manga), Egon : Ghostbusters (film), and many, many more…

A Little Cottage in the Soul

I think that many of you who read me consistently can agree that there is something about a quaint country cottage, especially set in the cool, light mist of Britain, that tugs out a wistful little sigh.  Like the souls of those this imagery speaks to, the gardens outside are beautiful and only slightly tamed by man.

I bring this up because, on occasion, I have strokes of genius.  I think that thick, lush, verdant lawns are beautiful–but I have no talent for them.  They require a tenacity that I just don’t have the spirit for.  Yesterday I’d had it.  I’ve said I want to get rid of my lawn before, but the idea I had to get rid of it was not very plausible.  While searching for landscapers that could lay down a perfect new yard for me, in order to see what such a thing would cost, I found a number of images of grassless lawns.

Don’t think that because I have images of cottage gardens that this is what I found.  No.  I found dreary landscapes composed of a few rocks, some small bushes, and lots of bark.  Just mulch.  Swathes of it.  This was their low-maintenance solution to having awful grass.  I like rich-looking mulch, I do, but a yard does not look inviting, or even lovely, if it’s a sheet of bark.  I thought to myself: a little bit of bark is nice, but not all of it.  You’d have to find things to do with the rest of the yard that wouldn’t be atrocious.

I’ve recently wanted roses again.  I had them many a year ago when I lived in Florida.  Recently, I have lost a desire for flowers, finding them less than useful to me.  However, in reading up on foraging, I discovered a very great food value is roses: rose hips.  I’d heard of these things before, but I’d never understood very well until now.  So I want roses.  Lots of them.  I love their fragrance, the way they look, and now there’s food to be had too.  How can you lose?  So I’d been thinking of planting them out in front of my porch railing.

Then I thought, well, if you put a pathway through the yard, there’d be less grass there, but a pathway would look kind of stupid without a good reason for it to be there.  So then came flower beds, and more, and suddenly, there wasn’t any room left for grass in the front yard or the side yard.  Now I want so many flowers that I’ll look at them and feel the same kind of satisfied peace I do when looking at pictures of the same thing.  The backyard is much more sketchy (which saddens me because it’s in the most ridiculous state of awful the world has ever seen.)  But there is a half-formed plan there, at least.

I’ve been looking at stones for the short walls I’d like to put out front, and pavers.  I’ve looked up many reference materials for putting together a cottage garden, even found a list of traditional flowers and when they like to bloom so that your garden can be blooming year round.  The images in my head are quite lovely and I’m excited to do them.  They are not, however, going to be in effect anytime before the holidays and my home will be a big embarrassment to me until then!  Ugh, one thing at a time, and only as one can afford…  I must remind myself!  Until then, I doodle plans to appease myself.  Hopefully I’ll have pictures of some progress on that soon, I sure hope so anyway!

‘Egg’static!!

I have been increasingly frustrated the last month with the lack of eggs from my hens.  I could expect that my girls might take longer than some cookie-cutter prediction scheme, but I was getting worried that I was doing something wrong and that in turn was inhibiting their ability to lay.

I adopted Miss Vera Lynn because I had read about the great temperament of Salmon Faverolles, loved the fact that they have five toes instead of four, and I liked the idea of having an established layer as a control group.  If she wasn’t laying, then I knew for sure that I had to fix something so that my girls would produce.  Well, it’s been weeks and there’s been nothing, not a one.  Until I found one this morning.

It’s Vera’s, since the color is precisely what Salmon Faverolles lay.  I was hoping that this was a sign that conditions are being met and that, soon, my original quartet would begin to lay their own.

I’m still thinking that I will build them a much less enclosed home when money and weather permits.  It may not be until Spring rolls around, but who knows?

So after glowing happily over my egg all day, I made a single, home-grown scrambled egg that evening.

Everything I’d heard about fresh eggs being hard to open was correct.  The shell fell away from the tight, fresh membrane inside, and it was very hard to try and pull open the remaining shell.  After giving the protective membrane a stab with my thumbnail, it was eventually out and scrambled.

And it was totally yum.  While it didn’t taste particularly different from other eggs I’d eaten, there was certainly a richness to it that I’d only ever experienced with scrambled eggs beaten with some milk.

What a happy day!

And today, three days later, what do I find?

The darker egg is definitely from one of my original girls, the Marans to be exact.  I’m still not sure if the second egg is the other Maran or not, but I have reason to believe that it is.  From the smaller nature of it’s size to the comeraderie that the hens raised together have with one another (these two eggs were found in the nest snugly together), I’m almost positive they’re both Maran in origin.  Their egg color should darken as they continue to produce, which I hope is true.  While it’s not unlikely that they are not original Marans who lay dark chocolate colored eggs, it would be nice if they were closer than this is.

However, no matter what their color, I will never snub my nose at having eggs at all–I appreciate them too much!  I even love that the second egg is speckled.  And soon there will be green eggs too.  The combs on the Ameraucanas are enlarging and turning red, so I think their time is soon!  Here’s hoping!

Wishing you great things!

So Wazzup??

Hi, I’m the chick trying to get her life into order and be a better person.  How have you been?  Really?  That’s so awesome, I miss you.  Me?  Well, things have been way worse in my life, so I’d have to go with pretty darn good.  What are some of the recent highlights?

Well, a very kind customer gave me a crapload of pickling cucumbers from his garden.  So many that half of them were wasted on little ol’ me.  However, I did get to can six pints and made four quarts of refrigerator pickles.  I tried a spear after only three days and I don’t think they were ready.  We’ll try another one tomorrow when it’s had a week.  The canned ones won’t be opened and tasted for two months, as they need it to get awesome.

I finally finished the chicken coop.  The second floor really flattened me today after work.  I wanted to have it finished for good, so I really kicked ass on it.  I had quite the ordeal cornering (literally) my adopted hen.  She doesn’t know me like my girls do.  While Ella, Eartha, Julie, and Billie all pretty much calm down right away when I grab at them, this one became Greased Lightning for around ten minutes.  She’s a Salmon Faverolle hen, the kind with five toes and some feathering on their feet.  She’s a pretty sly one and I’ve named her Vera Lynn, I think it suits her.

You can see the new girl on the left bellow, she’s quite a pale contrast to my girls.  She’ll be laying light brown eggs and she’s coming out of molt so she’s not at her prettiest.

That’s Miss Ella up front, she’s my utmost favorite of my hens.  She’s so calm and accepting, she’s smart, inquisitive, and fearless.  She’s a good influence, too.  I’m hoping that having the second floor will encourage eggs.

Vera has become my control group, you see.  I knew that the girls should have started producing by now, but there wasn’t a single egg.  Then I found a sweet woman on Craig’s List that was offloading some of her hens and amongst them was a breed I had been interested in, which turned out to be Vera.  She’s a guaranteed laying hen, yet in the five days I’ve had her: not a one.  Now, yes, it could be due to her coming out of molt, but there should’ve been at least one by now, I think.  So I believe it was me and what I was doing, so I’ve gone over all the possible reasons why they might not lay and finishing the coop was the last of them: feeling safe.  The second floor is closed in except for an area on one wall so that there’s no stagnant air, and there’s a nesting box too.  So, hopefully between that and the light set on a timer, I’ll have eggs very soon or I might start drooping.  If Vera’s laying that means that when the other four are ready to start laying that nothing I did will be stopping them.

Here’s a video of them inspecting the new second floor, in case you’re interested:

Other than that, I’ve been loving the turn in the weather.  I’ve always been a fall gal and I love gray skies and rain.  I’ve been feeling like I need a personal revolution, I feel like I’m slacking a bit as a human being, but being aware of it makes it possible to change those things.  Despite that, I tend to feel pretty chipper.

My economical experiment is going pretty darn well, though I need to get a bit more organized about it, ha.  I’m still feeling really great about it and I’m learning that my body is rejecting processed foods when I get to eat them.

I’m getting lots of ideas these days, from books to projects to messages I want to teach to the world.  I get tired of just sitting around, but movies still suck me in like nobody’s business.

Gardening is not going so well, this year was a beautiful failure, but in it I’ve learned how I need to do it and so it’s not a complete loss.  I’ve got plans, lots of plans, to fix the yards and make them lovely to lay eyes upon.

But right now I’m off to bed, it’s getting late and I hate writing posts that are so long for you guys to have to read!  Pray I get an egg tomorrow!

Reviving the Self

Water crystal from water shown a photo of cherry blossoms.

It’s well past time to put what happened on the compost pile and move on.  To say that I have changed a lot in the last month is, perhaps, a given, but so unbelievably true.  Doors have opened, clarity dawns, feelings change.  There is so much to say that I can’t possibly try to explain it all without boring you half to death.  I will try to keep it simple and not overload you.  I will limit myself to five things for this entry.

1. I have applied to OC for next fall, but may begin classes sooner should another application be submitted, accepted, and financial aid be able to cover the classes even though the deadline is past.  I will be attending with the intention of getting an Associates in Speech as a basis for a Bachelors in Linguistics.  I am excited about this goal, despite being worried and nervous.  I am aiming to kick so much academic ass that I can be accepted for a full-ride scholarship at the University of Auckland for the tenure of my Bachelor’s degree.

2. I have created another blog, this one for the purposes of documenting what I call an ‘economical experiment’.  The goal?  Eat healthily on almost no money and pay off my existing credit debt forever in as little time as humanly possible.  You can follow it here: Healthy Nothings.

3. I am becoming a bird lady.  I have acquired a pair of lovebirds for free from a customer.  They came with absolutely everything they need and more.  I’ve never owned small birds before, but I am more than up for the challenge.

4. I have decided to haul the half-complete chicken coop into my garage and build it there.  I will leave it in the garage as it is much easier to build on level ground, cannot be broken into by animals or people, is safe from the elements, and cannot be complained about by neighbors.  Maybe I’ll regret this decision, however, the chickens have been in my garage for months now.  It will be a relief to get them into a spacious, permanent home instead of the intended-to-be-temporary housing they’ve basically grown up in.  P.S. – I’m thinking of hatching a few quail to add to the certainly growing home flock once one of the girls becomes broody.

5. My… what to do with my last number.  I could talk about my dawning realizations, my shifting priorities, my extensive plans… but that seems too hard to explain, not to mention lengthy.  How about that I’ve become enamored with the romantic nature of old-fashioned men’s shaving.  I now own a pure badger shaving brush, authentic English shaving cream, and will own a replica 1904 safety razor as soon as they restock.  I have only shaved two or three times with this old-fashioned ‘wet-shaving’ method, but there is a noticeable difference.  The skin is better taken care of, certainly pampered.  I think it was a very good investment indeed.

So that’s my limited spiel, folks.  I hope life is finding you well and that we will meet again soon.

Raw

raw adjective, -er, -est, noun

–adjective

1.	uncooked, as articles of food: a raw carrot.

2.	not having undergone processes of preparing, dressing, finishing, refining, or manufacture: raw cotton.

3.	unnaturally or painfully exposed, as flesh, by removal of the skin or natural integument.

4.	painfully open, as a sore or wound.

5.	crude in quality or character; not tempered or refined by art or taste: raw humor.

6.	ignorant, inexperienced, or untrained: a raw recruit.

7.	brutally or grossly frank: a raw portrayal of human passions.

8.	brutally harsh or unfair: a raw deal; receiving raw treatment from his friends.

9.	disagreeably damp and chilly, as the weather or air: a raw, foggy day at the beach.

10.	not diluted, as alcoholic spirits: raw whiskey.

11.	unprocessed or unevaluated: raw data.

–noun

12.	a sore or irritated place, as on the flesh.

13.	unrefined sugar, oil, etc.

—Idiom

14.	in the raw, a. in the natural, uncultivated, or unrefined state: nature in the raw. b. Informal. in the nude; naked: sunbathing in the raw

I’ve been ‘raw’, in various definitions of the word, a lot as of late.  From raw food to raw nerves and back again.  I’ve had limited success with both and sometimes I get so tired of it all that, blissfully, I don’t really care about it.

The raw food diet that I’ve been working on implementing was going very well.  After a short while, however, I began to stop desiring to eat.  I am at the point, now, that I almost never actually want to eat.  I will feel like I’m starving, but I won’t care if I feed myself.  I do eat, though, because I know I must, but I nearly never want it.  Because of this, I’ve decided to play with a mixture of raw food doctrine and the roles of food as described in the book ‘Nourishing Traditions’.  I first heard of this book because Faith was reading it, but have never really looked too much into it myself.  All I know is that a mixture of healthful cooked and raw foods will do me good.  And one will give me a break from the other when necessary.  As such, I hope some of my appetite will return (but not all of it.)  I am glad to no longer want to eat even when I’m not hungry, but this extreme in the other direction is a bit much.

I’ve found myself ‘raw’ in the sense of unrefined and unpolished.  I don’t put much effort into my appearance.  The reason for this is that I have no pride in how I look.  I find little beauty there to accentuate, I find little confidence in the corpulent creature I have pretty much always been.  Being overweight has always been a sore subject for me, something that I cannot seem to conquer, that I cannot hide or love.  I find more priority in getting lots of sleep than I do in getting up a half hour earlier to do my hair and make up.  For all of my respect for when others look this way, I cannot seem to find the strength to put forth the effort for myself.  Perhaps because when I do, I still think I look awful.

And then there are my emotions.  Highly friable, easily electrified, rattled, or bruised.  Raw.  I like people, I really do.  But when I’m stressed out the way that I am on too many subjects, I lose it.  I can’t turn it off.  There is a point at which a fuse blows and the power goes out, however.  I’m finally starting to find a way to let it go, but it’s still there.  Nagging at me, though I convince myself that the various subjects of my demons don’t bother me.

I’m a better person when I’m alone.  It’s the easy way out, of course.  I’m at peace when there is little to test me.  But I like who I am so much better when the tests are further between, when I have the patience and wisdom to temper my emotions.  The ability to have an outside, long-term perspective that makes me feel balanced.

I’m solving it, though.  I’m learningt hat independance is my sanity.  When I don’t have to depend on anyone else, I have the ability to have that outer perspective.  Because my balance isn’t crumbling all because someone else isn’t reliable.  I can be pateint, because they aren’t causing me to run out of time or sanity.  They aren’t causing me to stress out.  They aren’t adding to the problem.  So that is my goal, to re-attain the independance that has slipped in the last few weeks.

I did try to let someone in.  But the disappointment of having that trust misplaced was more than I was able to handle.  So back to independent me.  I was ever-so-much happier there.

I have been ‘raw’ by the definition of ‘crude by character’.  I should explain that I have a pet peeve when it comes to the manners of other people.  Our society has become all too casual in it’s interactions with other people.  We refer to perfect strangers by their first name.  In fact, we offer others our first name and not our last.  Because of this verbal intimacy we constantly find ourselves at odds with acquaintances (because that’s what they really are, they are not yet true friends) through distressing misunderstandings.  We feel too comfortable joking at the expense of others, sarcasm, and so on.  Things that a long-term friend would be able to weather, but that fragile connections cannot.  We no longer treat each other with polite respect and genuine interest, we are too honest too soon.  We have forgotten manners and it has left our society with a gross imbalance that causes us to get in trouble with one another.  So many unsatisfying relationships of all sorts are products of this false intimacy.

Oh, I’m getting preachy, I’m sorry.  My point is that I am guilty of the very thing I peeve about, as it was brought to my attention.  They don’t realize that they taught me this important lesson, they are even still very kind and friendly, completely unaware of my learning from them.  I believe that calling someone my their last name, with the proper prefix, is very respectful.  I feel that ‘Miss’ before someone’s first name is still more respectful than the uninvited intimacy of using one’s first name outright.  Miss Donna, Miss Faith, Miss Britt.  I have said these to you because I respect and care for you, and now it has possessed me further to extend that to everyone I meet.  And to keep my mouth out of trouble by one easy rule: Always speak simply, with full meaning, and with polite kindness.  You can’t go wrong if you stick to that.

I know that I am ‘raw’ in my ignorance.  I don’t know enough about a lot of things, including how to handle other people.  Perhaps, especially other people.  I am not often thoughtful enough to realize how I sound to other individuals, I am therefore misunderstood whether it’s because of my phrasing or the tone of my voice.  That’s why the new rule of thumb is such a good one.  And, yes, I’m sure I’ll slip up, but it’s a goal, and it’s a good goal.

I am unaccomplished in education.  I want to go back to school, but for so long I haven’t known what subject to pursue.  I live in fear that I will get degrees in something and then no longer desire to do them.  I know it happens to a lot of people.  I know it’s happened to me before.  I am sure that I have finally found the answer: Linguistics.  I have a natural talent for mimicry and a sensitivity to accents, dialects, and speech choices.  And while it does dissect sentences, it is not teaching me how to write.  It is a complement to my literary pursuits, not a bludgeoner of my creative freedoms.  And most of all, it is extremely versatile.  I have always been afraid of being stuck with only one career path, yet Linguistics can be in anthropology, law, computer programming, the teaching of languages, translations and decryption, artificial intelligence, computer programming, speech coaching, and more.  If I tire of one, I can still pursue another vein without having to discard my years of schooling.  It’s sort of like a puzzle, to pick apart dialects and languages, and I love puzzles.  And to top it off, you have to learn at least two languages per degree.  I’ve always wanted to be multi-lingual.  I think it’s absolutely perfect for me.  Now I just have to find out if I can go to a community college for my associates (the problem being that Olympic doesn’t have an associates in Linguistics) and then I’ll plan from there.  There may be hope for me yet.

This has been such a rant and it’s been fairly analytical.  I wrote it mostly to be cathartic, though it has not worked out all of my innermost feelings.  it’s gotten off my chest the basics, though, things I haven’t been able to really talk to any one person about.  I haven’t gotten to talk to hardly anyone and get it all out to the last drop.  So I hope it made sense and I’m sorry if it’s no good, but it’s not sitting in me, poisoning me further.  Now there’s room to work out other problems.

I hope good things for you and to see you soon.

PS – I have walked to work twice now!  I haven’t walked back either day, I’ve been picked up for various reasons.  However, that’s 2.5 miles of good walking that I wasn’t getting before.  Go me!

Hopeful Futures

I’ve been extremely stressed as of late.  Mostly the last week or two.  And while I can’t really go into many of the reasons why, it’s very clear in my demeanor that I am, quite utterly, stressed to the max.  I am typically very calm, really, if you set aside my loud joking habits.  I’m rather patient, but there’s been hardly any since the stress compounded.  I am reading a book on stress management, I am hoping it will do me good.

There has been limit progress in my life, but progress nonetheless.

After much useless quibbling and personal financial issues, the bulk of the materials for the chicken coop were purchased night before last and Chris is working on building it for me.  I designed the coop myself and it will accomodate the girls and the rabbit in one structure.  Not together as room mates, but in the same structure.  They are definitely ready to be in their own home and I’m ready for them to be out of the garage.  As an aside, I am very pleased to note that they should begin laying mid to late September.  of course, they might not, but that’s the general time period they are supposed to start.  I am eager to see their eggs.

They all have names now: The Misses Julie London, Billie Holiday, Eartha Kitt, and Ella Fitzgerald.  Billie is the one that I suspect is a rooster and has distrusted me from square one.  They have all gotten much more used to me now that they flood to the cage for food and water from me.  Busy with eating, they let me pet them.  Billie only protests half the time while he/she eats/drinks.  While my beautiful blonde, Julie, is sleek around the head, Billie has all of the marker tufts of their Aracauna lineage, with very large sideburn tufts and a bit of a beard.  Eartha and Ella have very defines breasts and such little heads in comparison to their body.  I’m spoiled by the beauty of the Ameracaunas with their wide neck feathering.  I do enjoy having the girls very much.  Despite being mistrusted by Billie, I hope they are all female and that I’ll have stories to tell about my squadron of hens for the next few years.  I also hope that no one complains about them once they’re out in the back yard.

My yearnings for a dog have reached a height that I have chosen a breed and breeder for when the time comes.  I must build the back fence (and I have a plan, OH I have a plan) and reduce my debt in the coming year, but I feel a little content for now to know where I will go to receive my pup in the future.  I have settled on a Bernese Mountain Dog, they are beautiful and gentle giants.  I an notorious for changing my mind, but I think this time I’m sticking to it.

The garden is not going as successfully as I once believed.  All of the expensive amending I did to the soil has, as far as makes sense to me, not done enough good for the plants.  They are stunted.  They are trying to produce fruit and are hardly any bigger than when I bought them as seedlings almost two months ago.  I am glad to have not done the same with the other beds and learned my lesson about the soil.  I will instead use the money on amendments to purchase the ingredients for perfect soil and just ignore what’s underneath.

I have a new battle plan for my debt and it’s looking very promising.  Made possible by my two room mates.  It’s been nice having my sister around and Chris hasn’t been too awful to handle now that he’s always around.  With this plan, it will be quite possible to reduce my debt significantly in a year and simultaneously save up for the trip to Ireland next summer.

My goal to eat a a majority of raw food over cooked or processed foods has gone very, very well.  I find my body rejecting foods now that I would ordinarily want and an overall sense of not wanting to eat in general.  When people offer me things I used to snatch up, I wave it off and genuinely don’t care to eat it.

My desire to bike commute has been staved off by the fact that it will cost me around $550 to purchase a good bike for such a purpose.  And since there is concern that I would buy the bike and then end up not using it, I have hosen an alternative.  It also inculdes not using the car much of the time, is healthy for me, and has the bonus of being completely free: I will be walking to work and back.  it’s about two miles each way and shouldn’t take more than half an hour at first.  The only money I’ve spent on this so far is a very cheap backpack at Wal-Mart to put all of my items into for the trek.  I have gotten up early the last two days at work, ready to set out like an adventurer into the wild, only to have a few things stop me.  However, I am definitely set this time and I’m pleased to note that I will walk to work for the first time on the absolute best day of the year to not drive a car downtown: The 3rd of July.  It’ll be so great.  I’m really pleased about this decision and I feel zen just thinking about the fact that it’s about to start.  C’mon, it’ll be too awesome that I’ll be walking an hour a day at least five days a week.  Four miles a day.  The faint weight loss I’ve been experiencing will kick into real gear with the scales tipping heavy to the side of loss.  I feel I’m getting healthier in many ways.  Now all I need to conquer is stress!

I am also trying to apply the techniques of ‘The Secret’ into my life, though often times it’s used more as a joke than reality.  I discover more about myself all the time.  I feel as though in a year, my life will be more wonderful than it already is.  The freedom of self that I will accomplish will be of great magnitude.  Let’s see what I’m like a year from now, hm?  When I accomplish my wonderful goals.

Thank you for sharing in my life.  I love you so much.